Hey, guess what? I think I did it. The whole thing, list, or whatever. And guess what else? I feel pretty good about myself. Let’s do this again tomorrow? Let’s.
Okay, so… deals like this prove to be a great motivator. I did it! What in turn I didn’t do was everything after breakfast. I came late to work, didn’t do sh*t while I was there and ate too much of the worst things through the entire rest of the day. I’m just going to make some rules for this week.
1. Don’t be late
2. Eat breakfast at breakfast table
3. Actually work while working, no facebook and email checking, or online shopping
4. Don’t spend money like crazy, save up
5. Go running Wednesday and Friday morning
6. Homework hour from 20 to 21 every weekday evening (with the exception of Wednesday cause then it’s yoga!)
7. Keep room tidy
8. Go to sleep in time
9. Eat breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner according to planning!
Like often with these attempts to change, it’s easy at first, but I tend to lose focus after a week or so. Ofcourse, nothing will have changed in that week, so a month later I’ve gained nothing but an extra kilo. There’s always excuses, but truth is, there’s no better time than now. I want to eat healthy and be a person that makes me happy. I want to not lose my mind over some guy. If it’s meant to be we are for sure better off waiting until I’m in a better place. And if it’s not, than what’s the point? Now, let’s just make a quick deal for tonight and tomorrow. No binge eating and fastfood + get up nice and early to go running & enjoy your breakfast not behind your computer, but at the dinner table. Should be easy enough, right? Talk to you tomorrow!
Today was the first day at work after my holiday. I hate how I’m always so uneasy the first few hours. Nervous, fidgety, unclear in my pronunciation.. I would fire me on the spot for being such an idiot. Luckily, it passes. I semi-like my job. My colleagues are nice and I’m not terrible at it, but it’s a boring desk-job where you sit on your ass all day. Next to me, when I’m extra lucky, is the one girl in the office that absolutely hates my guts. Everyone loves her, and most of them like me, it’s just the two of us that really don’t seem to get along. With my fake it ’till you make it attitude I usually come a fine way, but today we reached a low point while biking home together. I had made several attempts for small talk that she’d been unresponsive to, so I stopped wasting my breath and quit trying. We biked side by side together for several minutes in dead silence. It was awkward and childish. I’m pretty sure at one point we were in some sort of unspoken racing competition to see who could bike fastest. I won. Funny thing, after a couple minutes of awkwardness guess who started some innocent friendly small talk? I went along with it and by the time we parted ways she gave me her first sincere smile in.. ever. Double win.
At home I went a little overboard with the eating. I want to say it wasn’t too bad, because I stopped myself at some point, but.. Really it would have been better if I never started with my after-dinner snack at all. To make up with myself I started going by my to do list and checked some things off. Unfortunately I had to make a new appointment in the city my ex-’boyfriend’ lives in and I have to walk right through his street to get there. It’s for Amnesty International so I’m really going to have to convince myself it’s worth the uncomfortable heartache next week as it’s for a good cause. Another challenge was finishing my therapy assignment. The dude basically told me I am lost and confused because I’m missing my dad, who I’ve never known. I in return told him he was crazy, but he stuck to it and made me write a letter to some program to find him or quit therapy. Sometimes you just have to give in… I wrote the letter and to my surprise I actually did see some purpose in to what that quack was talking about. Seriously considering actually sending it in. Nothing to lose and everything to gain, maybe it’s just that.
It has been five days since I came home from China and my room was a complete mess. I only started unpacking today and along the way I took some extra time to rearrange my stuff. At the hallway there’s also a closet that belongs to me. It’s difficult to explain in English how it works, but there’s an additional storage unit in the back that had been covered by another closet (inside the closet). So, today I finally took that one aside to see what lay behind. I found some disgusting trousers and doormats, all soaking wet and full of fungus. No wonder it smelled. Anyway, I cleaned it, and after I had the worst part over with I actually had some nice extra space. I moved as much useless stuff as possible for my room to the storage area and now I’m quite loving my room being neat and tidy.
With this new attitude I also was able to make some other good decisions today. Being nicer to my friends, less selfish and… On this last one I still need some convincing… Not reading too much into my contacts with the potential new prospect. At least he was before I decided I didn’t want any. Do you still get it? I don’t want to bother naming him because I hope I won’t feel much like mentioning him anymore. Just friends.
Attractiveness, as both a lover and a friend, can be created or transmitted through multiple factors. Three, in my opinion, to be exact. There’s physical attraction, there’s liking someone because they are smart or intelligent, and there’s ‘simply’ being a nice person. Unfortunately, I just realized I fit none of those categories right. Although I’m pretty sure people don’t instantly look at me and think ‘damn, that girl is fat’, I am still 14 kilo over-weight. I’ve gained relatively much in a short time, so my body doesn’t look like a hot mid-twenties one. I’m also not quite thicking the smart box. I’m not an idiot, but definitely can’t keep a conversation on university level. Worse, I often notice I know next to nothing about matters that others concider general world knowledge. On the topic of nice, I’m not a horrible person. But to say I’m never annoying or selfish… Hmm.. another goal to work on.
You have to be real, yourself… But really, sometimes faking it is the first step to believing. Case and point, summer of 2007. Going from despressed little me to awesome was simply a matter of trying to fit in. They wouldn’t like any company too negative, so I faked a smile. Friendships today may still work the same. Fake you’re not annoyed by the little things, lose the focus on them, and inevitably you may sincerely start to enjoy the situation you’re in. So, there’s lies and lies. One bad, but the other just a slight nudge to yourself. Guess what? I think I’m already on my way to being happy.